


open discussions

by LeelaGranger



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Convert!Nicky, Crusades, Crusades Era Joe | Yusuf al-Kaysani & Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Jewish Character, Jewish!Nicky, M/M, Religion, Religious Discussion, second crusade, the 'nicky converts to judaism fic' literally no one in the world asked for, this might come off as Christian bashing but it's not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:01:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27616622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeelaGranger/pseuds/LeelaGranger
Summary: “Wait, weren’t you a Crusader?” Nile asked. Nicky had just politely refused her offer to order him a bacon cheeseburger, or something, from McDonald’s for dinner, telling her that he kept kosher.“That was a long time ago,” he replied.“So you're Jewish?” Nile didn’t know that many Jews, though there were many in Chicago and its surrounding suburbs. It hadn’t come up in the few months she’d been with them and honestly she was shocked.“Yes, I converted during the Third Crusade, I believe it was. Joe?”OR: the what if at some point Nicky converted to Judaism fic literally no one in the world asked for. like seriously.
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Nicky | Nicolo di Genova & Original Character(s)
Comments: 52
Kudos: 135





	open discussions

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm Jewish and I had an idea and now you are reading it, so that's cool. I use a lot of terms and shit that you might not now but the endnotes have all the information. 
> 
> and thank you to my awesome beta @fandomsaremylifestyle
> 
> please enjoy!

“Wait, weren’t you a Crusader?” Nile asked. Nicky had just politely refused her offer to order him a bacon cheeseburger, or something, from McDonald’s for dinner, telling her that he kept kosher.

“That was a long time ago,” he replied. 

“So you're Jewish?” Nile didn’t know that many Jews, though there were many in Chicago and its surrounding suburbs. It hadn’t come up in the few months she’d been with them and honestly she was shocked. 

“Yes, I converted during the Third Crusade, I believe it was. Joe?” 

“Pretty sure, though you almost did in the second one. Seriously, Nile, I was relieved when he finally did it because he clearly wanted to so badly. Also then we got to pray together, which is something I enjoy immensely.” 

“Did you not notice my praying?” Nicky asked her politely. 

“No, I did. I guess I just assumed you were still Catholic,” she shrugged. 

“But I do not pray on my knees,” Nicky said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

Nile just shrugged again. That she should have noticed, especially when he prayed with Joe. The juxtaposition was actually rather striking when she paused to think about it. Nicky would mostly stand upright while he prayed, shuckling a little bit. When he wasn’t standing, he was seated in a chair. Whereas Joe was down on his prayer rug. She wanted to ask what the significance of it was, but religion was not a topic they’d discussed until now. It was extremely personal to her and with Andy around most of the time to shit on all religion, she hadn’t really wanted to. But Andy was out right now and here was the perfect opportunity to have this talk. 

“The only time I don’t like praying with him is when we are in between Mecca and Jerusalem, then it’s just awkward with the whole having to face complete opposite directions,” Joe said, “But other than that it’s very nice.”

“But they’re not at the same time, are they? Jews only pray… what was it? Three times a day.”

“True, and we don’t do every prayer together. But we do the afternoon and evening prayers together, mission permitting.”

“I regretfully can’t do Shacharit, the morning prayer, with him. Mine must wait until after sunrise,” Nicky said, “You’re welcome to pray with us at any time.” 

“I’d like that if just to see the look on Andy’s face.” They all laughed, “So wait, why did you convert?”

“Joe could probably tell the story better than I.”

“No, it’s your story, you must tell it. Besides, you only don’t want to because you’re afraid of proselytizing, but I think Nile here knows you’re not trying to convert her.” Nicky gave Joe a look and Joe sighed, “I tell you  _ one _ time that listening to you made me want to be Jewish,  _ one  _ time several centuries ago and you give me this look. You know I would never give up my faith.” Nile started laughing just picturing it. Joe sitting there, just enraptured by Nicky’s voice as he always is, and murmuring softly, meaning it as a compliment. And Nicky being aghast at the suggestion. 

“I’m not looking to convert, Nicky, I just want to get to know you. We’re kind of stuck with each other for the rest of eternity.”

“Yes, of course, just one of my favorite things about Judaism is the fact that we don’t proselytize. Very different from the Church.” Joe’s turn to look at him, “Fine, I’ll stop stalling. I guess I should start at the beginning beginning.”

***

Nicolo had already fled the battlefield by the time the Crusaders captured Jerusalem. He fled before they even marched on the city. He was more than glad of it. If he was going to live for what appeared to be forever, (though he did not yet know whether aging would still occur) there were some memories he didn’t need. 

Just because he did not witness it, didn’t mean that he did not hear of it. And did not mean that he was not guilty. He had come here, to this land, where they knew peace and lived happily, and sought to destroy. All in the name of God. A God and a system he had dedicated his life to. 

He went back and forth on whether he served a particularly vengeful God or if man’s greed had tainted God and made service into something violent. It was the latter, he knew, but he still found it impossible to pray. Impossible to bend in supplication and utter the man-made words to a God he had not been willing to fight for. Or wasn’t willing to fight for anymore. 

The worst part was, he hadn’t left the battle for morality’s sake, but for fear of his new ability to not die. Terrified what it meant, lost and confused and hopeless. And to make matters worse, one of the enemy had the same situation. This undyingness. 

He knew scraps of Arabic, had thought to study some when he learned of the Crusade. Maybe he could save a few souls, convert them and show them the light. He laughed bitterly at the thought. He had not saved anybody. But still, the little Arabic he knew was a good place to start with this other immortal man. Yusuf also knew other languages and they were able to communicate relatively well. After they both came to the conclusion that killing each other appeared to be a waste of time. (Again, Nicolo hadn’t left for morality’s sake and this took a long time)

When news reached them of the fall of Jerusalem, Yusuf had cried. Nicolo had left him in peace, thinking having a Crusader around probably wasn’t what he wanted. Nicolo had gone back to the small village, leaving Yusuf at their camp. When he was there he asked for every excruciating detail the messengers were willing to divulge. 

One told him that the Jews of the city had been rounded up into the central synagogue before it was set on fire. Nicolo tried not to think of the stories he’d heard from the French and Holy Roman Empire’s legions about the killing of the Jews they’d done on the way to meet them in Constantinople. Just another group of people he needed to find some way to repay. 

He met Yusuf back at camp and cooked for him as best he could in an attempt to comfort him. He even managed to climb a lone palm tree and gather a few dates and gave them all to Yusuf, whose eyes were still bloodshot when Nicolo returned. 

“If it will make you feel better, you’re welcome to take out any anger you have on me. I was one of them, I was part of this.” But Yusuf shook his head. 

“You left, you no longer count.”

“But I killed with them, I believed in what they were doing.” 

“But you refer to them as ‘them’. You’re not one of them anymore. You threw away your cross.”

“But not before it was too late,” Nicolo argued again. 

“Whose anger do you want me to take out on you?” To this Nicolo gave no response, he just stared into the fire and was silent for the rest of the evening. He watched Yusuf as he prayed and envied that the man still had something to turn to. There was a comfort Nicolo had found in faith. Both in having a purpose and the consistency of ritual. He had neither of those now. They had the mission to find the two women in their dreams, but that was not a purpose.

In the morning as they packed up camp, Yusuf turned to him and said, “You want to absolve yourself of the sins you committed during this war, but you won’t by harming yourself.” 

“I know, but I must find a way. I need a purpose. I need this immortality to have a purpose.”

“You’ll think of something. You were a priest, after all, you lot are good at thinking if nothing else.”

_ That and bigotry, _ Nicolo thought but didn’t say aloud. 

A few weeks more into traveling, he realized what would do.

“I want to help people we find as we travel,” he told Yusuf as soon as he thought about it. He found he liked telling Yusuf things. 

“Okay, what kind of help?”

“Anything. Mending fences, protection on the road, helping hunt.”

“I like that idea.”

This meant that their traveling slowed, but neither man was in a particular rush to get anywhere. Nicolo attempted to refuse all forms of payment, saying that was not the purpose of this, but Yusuf mentioned that they would need the money. So if someone offered to pay him he wouldn’t refuse. But he would never ask for anything, only take what was offered -- if the person offered at all. 

So on they traveled. They couldn’t tell from their dreams where the women were, but they were not in Crusader occupied territory that much they knew. And both of them were eager to leave.

Much to Yusuf’s chagrin Nicolo still asked what people had heard about the Crusaders. What else had they done, what horrible details was he missing? Luckily, the farther they got the less likely it was for anyone to know more than they did. 

“I, who fought you on the battlefield. I, who saw your misplaced righteous fury. I do not see you as one of them, Nico, you’ve repented.” Yusuf had told him this many times, in many ways and in more than one language, and yet Nicolo only ever smiled and shook his head.

“I forgive you,” Yusuf said one night. The night he resolved to be his last attempt at convincing Nicolo. He’d been trying for  _ years  _ at that point. He brought it up every few months, but they’d been traveling together now for the better part of four decades and still he made no progress on that front. 

But this seemed to do the trick. Nicolo paused. He’d been mending their shirts and his hands stilled and he looked up at Joe. He cocked his head to the side in question of what Yusuf was talking about. 

“I forgive you for what you did during the invasion,” Yusuf said, not breaking eye contact for a moment, “I forgive you for every drop of blood spilled by your hand. Mine and my brethren. You have long since repented. I forgive you.” At this Nicolo began to cry. First silent tears and then a sob that tore so violently through him it hurt. 

Yusuf crossed their little camp and removed the mending from his lap softly before taking him in his arms. Nicolo’s hand grabbed Yusuf's shirt as he kept crying and crying. This had never happened before. Yusuf had never seen Nicolo cry and didn’t know how to comfort him, so he just kept him in his arms and whispered  _ I forgive you _ over and over until Nicolo’s breath evened out. 

“Thank you,” Nicolo said in a hoarse voice. His eyes bloodshot as he looked up at Yusuf and the red made his eyes seem startling green. It was not the first time that Yusuf found him beautiful, but this felt somehow different. How open and vulnerable Nicolo was in this moment made Yusuf’s heart break. 

“You are the best of men, Nicolo di Genova,” Yusuf said that instead of  _ I think I am growing to love you _ . That conversation would come but now was not the time. 

  
***

“I thought you were telling me the story of how you converted?” Nile interrupted. 

“This is necessary context, Nile, this will help explain what attracted me to Judaism in the first place. All will be made clear if you have a little patience,” Nicky explained, but with no annoyance in his voice. 

“Not all of us have your patience, habibi,” Joe teased him. 

“Don’t I know it,” Nicky grumbled and Nile laughed. 

“I won’t interrupt again, sorry,” Nile said. 

“No, feel free to ask questions. Besides, you’re right, if I continue down this path I will end up retelling how Yusuf and I came together and that’s not a story you need to be told again.”

“You add and change details every time, so I don’t know, man,” Nile laughed again. 

“Another time. I’m telling you the story of my conversion today as you asked. I’ll skip ahead to the Second Crusade, which was almost a hundred and fifty years after Joe and I met.”

***  
  


Nicolo barged into the room they were renting, out of breath and desperate, “They are planning another Crusade.” His eyes were wide and frantic in a way Yusuf had never seen. “They are planning another fucking Crusade.”

“Sit down, Nico, take a breath,” Yusuf got up from where he had been idly sketching. It was new to him and he found it an enjoyable way to pass the time. He led Nico to sit on the pallet and took deep breaths for Nicolo to match. When he was sufficiently calmed down Yusuf asked, “How do you know?”

“I was at the market and I overheard men talking about it. Pope Eugene has announced it and they will be crossing Byzantine territory,” Nicolo told him. They were staying in Greece, having overheard the name ‘Andromache’ in their dreams. Though part of them knew they would not be here, the scenery did not match those in their dreams. 

“Do we know which people are joining?”

“I’m assuming the Franks again,” but that was not what he wanted to focus on, “What can we do? We must do something.”

“We’re but two men, Nico, so we can’t stop an entire army, so don’t let that idea grow in your head.” Nicolo opened his mouth to protest but Yusuf held up his hand, “And don’t tell me that it’s not because it is. We’ll think of something, but think smaller.” 

Nicolo ran his fingers through his hair trying to rack his brain for what they could do. Think goddamnit. Where did it start? They could try to slow them down, they could easily travel to Gaul before the army was amassed, but no, think smaller Yusuf said. 

“If this is like the last one, they won’t wait to start the killing on the battlefield,” Nicolo said, still going through his memories, “They’ll loot and pillage on the way.”

“Anywhere specific? We can beat them there and at least try to defend the villagers.” Yusuf had learned when Nicolo needed soft words and when he needed concrete ideas. Now was one of those concrete idea times, Nicolo would not rest until they had a solid plan.

“The Jews,” Nicolo breathed out, “They have the same contempt for them as they have for your people. They killed many of them on the way east last time.” 

“Then they will be who we defend. Jews tend to live separately anyway, so they won’t be difficult to locate. In the morning we will prepare to travel north.”

“We should head toward the Rhine to start. That was the path they took last time, killing along the way.” Yusuf nodded in agreement. 

That night as they curled together to sleep, Yusuf whispered, “I forgive you,” into Nicolo’s hair, “I forgive you and I love you.”

Nicolo had them practically race to Rhineland, not willing to risk not getting there in time, even though armies took time to amass and march. 

“We don’t know when the papal bull was announced, it  _ also  _ takes time for news to travel,” Nicolo said as they pressed on even as the sun was setting dangerously low. 

They got there in time and for the first time in over a hundred years, Nicolo thanked God. But he didn’t really know what that meant anymore.

When they arrived in Mainz, the Jews already knew a Crusade was coming. The memory of the last one had not faded from memory by a long shot and they were terrified. They did not know it yet, but the Crusades would never fade from their collective memory and they would still be mourning the losses hundreds of years later. And they could not yet imagine the chain of events it would set off. (Not even Andy, so she said when they lived through it with her, could have imagined it)

Most of them didn’t trust Yusuf and Nicolo and didn’t believe that they wanted to help. Besides what could two men do against an army? But the rabbi of the town, Levi ben Moshe (but everyone just called him ‘Rabbi’), welcomed them in.

“We are to emulate our fathers and walk in their paths. Abraham was known for his welcoming of guests, let us be the same.”

“I’m afraid you’re more like Lot,” Nicolo said quietly to the rabbi, “There are only two of us and we only bring bad news. There will be no cause for laughter.”

“You know your stories well,” the rabbi smiled and Nicolo bowed his head. 

“I was once a priest of the Church and I read the Old Testament, though in Greek not Hebrew.”

“It is not studied until it is studied in  _ lashon hakodesh _ . If I live through what is coming, I will teach you.” He left no room for argument and Nicolo merely nodded. He appreciated that the man had not asked about his past. He just took in what Nicolo had said and left it at that. Nicolo silently vowed that the man would live, even if he himself had to die a hundred times over.

Yusuf had a much easier time making friends amongst the community. He was naturally better with words and was less reserved. And the community was more inclined to trust a Muslim than they were to trust a man they believed to be a Christain. They took to calling Yusuf “cousin,” saying they shared Abraham as an ancestor. 

They waited in Mainz and planned to follow the army downriver to also defend Worms and Speyer. The community sent word to the other cities that the two of them were friends.

As Yusuf predicted, the army took time to amass and march, so they helped around the community as much as they could. They learned all about the history of the city and did you know that Rashi’s uncle was the rabbi here? And that one time the  _ shochet  _ and the butcher got into a fight and they almost didn’t have meat for the Sabbath. Countless stories and anecdotes. 

Many took to asking Yusuf, or Yoseph as they called him, about Islam and the Holy Land. Had he really seen Jerusalem? Why did he pray five times a day? Had he ever been to Babylon and seen where the Talmud was written? Seen the Red Sea where  _ Bnei Yisrael _ crossed when they finally left Egypt? What was the holiness of Mecca compared to Medina? Question after question that Yusuf answered with patience and a smile. He loved his faith and loved sharing it with people who were eager to learn. He loved Nicolo, but when Nicolo inquired about his faith, it was so he could get to know Yusuf better and because he loved and respected him. Not for any curiosity or love of learning religion. 

Nicolo had chosen to abandon faith after it had betrayed him so. That was, until their brief stay in Mainz. For every question people asked Yusuf about his religion, Nicolo asked two about Judaism. First about the stories he’d remembered from the Old Testament. Then about the rituals and practices. He avoided the question of Yom Kippur and repentance until he was asked if he knew that Rabbi Ammon who wrote  _ ‘Unetaneh Tokef’  _ had been from Mainz, for the seventh time. He finally caved and asked to read the famous poem that was read on the High Holidays. 

The rabbi had not begun teaching him Hebrew yet, he had too many nervous souls to ease. So his daughter, Rivkah, offered to sit with him and translate it for him into German.

“You know our language very well for a man from Genoa,” she said before she got started. 

“Yusuf and I are travelers so learning other languages is a necessity.”

“I’d love to travel, I think,” she said. 

“You have a home here, a family. Do not give that up so easily.”

“You’re right,” she mused, “I would travel with someone who is my family, the way you travel with Yoseph.” Nicolo smiled at her and then she began to translate. In simple and clear words, the poet laid out vivid and terrifying imagery of what happened on the yearly Day of Judgement. How the angles trembled and every living being was judged by God, passing under His rod as if He was the shepherd and they were sheep.

“You’re very big into shepherds,” Nicolo said to cut some of the tension he was feeling. The words of the poem floored him, which was saying a lot considering he traveled with Yusuf. Rivkah laughed. 

“Yes, I suppose we are. From Abel to David. It is because we like to think too much.” They both laughed, “No, but seriously, you’ve overheard my father when he’s learning the Talmud, it is pages and pages of rabbis just thinking about the minutiae of the law.”

“Thank you for translating for me.”

“My pleasure, though you have not heard the might of this until you hear the whole congregation saying it in unison. It is terrifying and powerful in a way I can’t describe. When my grandfather was sick, my mother wept through the second half.”  _ On Rosh Hashanah, it is written and on Yom Kippur, it is sealed/who will die and who will be born /who will live and who will die…  _ Nicolo didn’t blame her for crying then. “I wonder how many of us will die by fire and sword.”  _ Who by water and who by fire/who by the sword and who by the wild beast _ . 

“I will try to make that number as small as possible, Rivkah,” Nicolo promised. 

“I know, Nicolo. If you were not so pale, I would think you Elijah come to save us. I thought Yusuf might be, but why would Elijah pose as a Muslim? And it is clear to anyone that Yusuf is most certainly not faking his faith. And there are two of you. The thought is silly, but know that is how you two are viewed now, by us.” Nicolo looked away to try and hide the slight tears brimming in his eyes, “I like that we called him Yoseph, though, even if it’s not quite his name. He reminds me of the Yoseph in Genesis. A charming man from a foreign land who ends up saving people. Yoseph the  _ Tzadik _ we call him. Though that analogy has many holes too. But either way, you have a place in our hearts and we try to associate you with our heroes.”

He had missed this sense of belonging, of community. He loved Yusuf with everything he had and did not feel as though he was lacking for love (he rather had it in abundance), but this was different. This was community and brotherhood. The Jews of Worms and Speyer had written back that they were eager to meet the two strange men who sought to help them. 

And help them they tried. Their respite could not last forever and eventually, the Crusaders came. A monk by the name of Rudolf had declared it their duty to kill the Jews on the way to the Holy Land and so they attacked with fervor. 

Nicolo cut through as many as he could. He was killed and rose again and killed some more before dying. There were so many of them and the Jewish quarter was alight. He pulled people out of burning buildings and then went back to fight. 

Yusuf was on the other side of the town, doing very much the same. Slicing his scimitar with the precision and grace of a man of over one-fifty. He stopped counting how many times he died. 

Night fell and the two of them came back together, weary and angry. 

“I killed as many as I could, but there were too many to get them all.” Nicolo raged. He had killed a man who had been attacking Rivkah. Chopped off his dick before finishing it in his fury. He didn’t stay to comfort her, though, he needed to protect her father. 

“You have a promise to keep, Rabbi,” Nicolo said to him, “I intend to make sure you keep it.” 

“We must rest, Nico, there are long days ahead of us.”

“Yes, but we must have a discussion first.”

“What is it, habibi?”

“This is an idea I loath, but we must split up. More of the army will be coming, but most of them will continue on to Worms. One of us should stay here and the other go ahead to defend Worms.” The words tasted like bile to him, he didn’t want to separate from Yusuf, but he knew he was right. If they both stayed or both left, one city would be left unguarded. Yusuf sighed, hearing the wisdom of the words, and pulled Nicolo close to him. 

“You’re right as always. I will go ahead in the morning and hopefully, with the speed of one instead of thousands, I will be able to get there in time.” 

“I love you, Yusuf, and I’ll meet you in Worms as soon as I’m sure it’s safe here.”

“You’re more likely to meet me in Speyer. I will stay ahead of the army once they leave Worms and you will come to defend against the rear.”

“I love you,” Nicolo said again and held onto Yusuf like his life depended on it.

“And I love you.”

***

“It is a good thing we hadn’t met Andy at this point. If I had known we could die…”

“We have been separated for missions since then,” Joe pointed out. 

“Yes, but very rarely completely alone and without backup.” Joe nodded to concede the point. 

“So you two really defended entire towns alone?” Nile asked.

“To the best of our abilities. We tried to keep the body count down. It makes me happy to read that historians say less of us died in the Second Crusade than the First.”

“He is too modest, as ever,” Joe interrupted.

“Who? Nicky?” Andy asked, coming through the door with a small bag of first aid items.

“Who else, boss?” Joe answered, “We’re talking about the Second Crusade. Nile, when he says, ‘less of us’ - what he should be saying is that historians say that the loss of life was far less extensive in the Second compared to the First.”

“That was not only due to us though, there were plenty of other factors.” Joe frowned, “But yes we did do our share.”

“It’s also how Quyhn and I knew where you were. We set off for Germany before the Crusaders even landed in Mainz. It wasn’t called Germany back then, of course.”

“The age of you people,” Nile murmured to herself. 

“Why the Second Crusade?” Andy asked.

“Nile finally realized I’m Jewish.”

“You didn’t notice?” 

“I don’t know that many Jews and I don’t know Catholicism very well either. Shoot me for assuming he was Catholic when he tells me he fought in the Crusades.” Andy just shrugged. 

“It’s okay, Nile,” Nicky said, “I don’t wear a  _ kippah, _ which is usually the symbol people recognize, but I do wear  _ tzitzit  _ under my shirt.” 

“That’s those hats they wear? The fuzzy ones?” 

“No,” Nicky chuckled, “Those are  _ striemels,  _ and that’s a Polish Jewish custom I never picked up. Though it is traditional for Jewish men to wear something on their head.”

“So why don’t you?”

“Unfortunately, anti-Semitism is still rampant in this world and we try not to call attention to ourselves. So I do not outwardly show my faith unless I’m in a place I know it won’t cause problems. If they stab me and then I come back, it’s a real headache.”

“It’s still that prevalent? Even after World War Two?” Nile’s eyes widened when she saw the frown on Nicky’s face. He turned to Andy to ask her to explain, as she predated the Jews and knew all the history from the beginning.

“That little bit of nastiness will never end, kid. The Holocaust was just the worst of it. Nicky asked me once if it would ever end, and I said I didn’t think so. It’s been one of those constants of history for a really long time.” 

“You should have seen the look on her face when Nicky told her he converted,” Joe cut in to lighten the mood, “She was so shocked I laughed, which almost got me killed.”

“I said something really smart if I recall,” Andy said.

“‘You already found enlightenment by leaving the Church,’” Nicky quoted, “‘Why would you go back on that progress?’”

“See? Smart.” 

“I supported him though,” Joe said, smiling at Nicky.

“Of course you did,” Andy said, “Where were you up to in the story anyhow? Have you gotten back to Mainz yet?”

“I was just about to get there actually.”

“Then don’t let me interrupt.” 

***

Yusuf decided they should go back to Mainz instead of following the army into Byzantine territory. “Think smaller, Nicolo, there is a different kind of help we can provide if we go back and help rebuild. Not all we do needs to be killing.”

Nicolo tried to argue that  _ they _ , with their particular ability to not die, could do the deadly work in a way no one else could, but Yusuf had stood firm. And after how he had followed Nicolo into this battle, both out of the goodness of his own heart and how much he knew it meant to Nicolo, Nicolo couldn’t refuse him.

“Let us go back to Mainz then,” Nicolo said, “We can learn Hebrew together.”

“For all the good it will do us, no one speaks it anymore, it is but a written language.”

“I can’t believe you would say that of all people, my poet, they use it still to write new poetry.”

“I didn’t know that,” Yusuf admitted, “You were the one asking all the questions, I was left to answer others. We shall learn it together then.” 

“Yoseph! Nicolo! Everyone, they’re back!” The _sopher’_ s son, Itzchak, had spotted them coming first and raced to greet them, “We were beginning to worry that you two didn’t make it. But look at you two, not a scratch, _baruch Hashem_.” He led them excitedly to the rabbi’s house, “He’ll be so happy that you’re back. You didn’t give us enough time to express our gratitude. You saved my father’s life, Yoseph, and stopped the Torah scroll he is repairing from being burned. I don’t think there are words in any of the languages you speak to convey how grateful I am to you.”

“Your words are more than enough, Itzchak,” Yusuf said to him, “I didn’t know about the Torah, thank you for telling me I saved it, I am happy to have done so.”

“My father will weep at the sight of you. Despite numerous conversations with Rivkah, he has taken to calling you Elijah.” Yusuf looked puzzled at the meaning of this. 

“Elijah the prophet,” Nicolo explained, “He is never recorded to have died and he appears in fables to help out in various situations.”

“What do you mean he was never recorded to have died?” Yusuf asked him in Arabic, his tone had shifted. Nicolo looked at him for a moment and realized the real question.

“Not like us, my love, he ascended on a chariot to Heaven. Not the Christian concept of Heaven though, not an afterlife.” Yusuf turned away from him, his expression unreadable. 

“Is everything alright?” Itzchak asked in German, confused at the sudden language shift. 

“Oh, yes, sorry,” Yusuf sent him a charming smile, “Sometimes I switch without realizing it,” he lied easily, “I am flattered that any of you see me as this prophet, though I can assure you I am not.”

“I know that, try convincing my father,” Itzchak had no reason to think that Yusuf lied and accepted it without hesitation. The two of them had gained the absolute trust of the Jews of Mainz. 

The rabbi embraced them and invited him excitedly into his home. Rivkah wept at the sight of Nicolo and began thanking him for saving her and her father.

“I am just sorry I couldn’t save your brother and sister-in-law,  _ baruch dayan emet _ ,” Nicolo said. He’d known that they had died before he left. A large part of him had wanted to stay behind and comfort Rivkah and her father, but he couldn’t dawdle and raced to Worms. 

“You couldn’t be here and at their home at the same time. You saved so many, Nicolo, and you Yusuf. This  _ kehilla _ will never stop thanking you,” the rabbi said and Rivkah echoed the sentiment, “Now I do hope that you’ve returned to stay with us, at least for a time. I can not say I understand the hearts of travelers, but I am given to understand they never settle.”

“They don’t,” Yusuf smiled, but turned to let Nicolo continue, knowing he had a closer relationship with the man.

“But we would like to stay for a bit. As I recall, you promised me something. Yusuf would like to learn with us as well if that’s okay.”

“It would be my pleasure,” the rabbi said, “Look at them, Rivkah, our own two personal Rabbi Akivas learning the  _ aleph-bet  _ in their later years. Though you two are warriors and not quite forty, I’d guess.” Both men smiled but didn’t offer up their age, preferring to evade. 

“What was Rabbi Akiva before he was a rabbi?” Nicolo inquired to move away from the question and Rivkah chuckled before her father opened his mouth. 

“Would you like to answer?” he asked her. 

“Why, he was a shepherd, of course.” And she and Nicolo shared a laugh that left Yusuf and the rabbi puzzled. 

The two were given their own small home and spent their days helping rebuild the homes that had been burned. In the afternoons, before the combined afternoon-evening prayer, they would learn Hebrew with the rabbi. (“You can just say the prayers back to back on either end of sunset?” Nicolo asked. “Something like that,” the rabbi responded, not wanting to bore his student with details of the laws of prayer even though he would have had an engaged audience)

It was easier than he thought it would be, even with the new alphabet. After struggling his way through Arabic, which he spoke before he could really read it, he found he could manage this new alphabet okay. Aside from holy texts, there were not many Hebrew books to read so they read through the Torah, focusing on Genesis and the first half of Exodus, where the familiar stories were. They also read through the  _ siddur, _ the book of prayer. 

Nicolo thanked the rabbi profusely for allowing them to borrow the books in between prayers, knowing that books were expensive and precious. He treated them with a certain kind of reverence. To Yusuf, it was not dissimilar to how Nicolo carefully packed up Yusuf’s prayer rug if the job was left to him. But there is a slight difference, Nicolo respects Yusuf’s religion because he would never disrespect anything Yusuf believed in. With the  _ siddur _ it is more personal, an act of care not an act of love. 

Yusuf quietly wondered when Nicolo would realize that he had found religion again. He practiced his Hebrew every spare moment, tried to speak it as best he could. He read the story of the Golden Calf over and over again like he wasn’t understanding something. 

“You have read that  _ parshia _ so many times, just ask the rabbi about what is bothering you.”

“But it has nothing to do with the language, I understand the words perfectly.” There is a note of pride in his voice at that, he liked that he was succeeding, “I don’t want to distract from the lesson.”

“I won’t mind and the rabbi will certainly be delighted to answer. If you’re not comfortable, ask Rivkah, I’m sure she knows.” 

Nicolo decided to ask the rabbi, because Rivkah was out somewhere. 

“But why would they do it? How could they worship a thing of gold they just saw fashioned before them and worship it as if it were a god when they just witnessed all of Hashem’s miracles in Egypt. After He had revealed Himself to them as He did on Mount Sinai?”

“It is a good question and a complicated one. But they were not trying to replace Hashem. They were trying to replace Moses. He doesn’t tell them when he is coming back and he’d been on the mountain with Joshua for forty days with nothing. They were terrified he was gone. The word  _ ‘elokim’  _ here shouldn’t be translated to ‘God’ here as I have taught you, it can be translated into ‘leader’ instead. And that would make more sense in context, seeing as they very purposefully refer to Moses as a man. You were a priest, Nicolo, was it not nice to have the Pope? To have a mouthpiece, someone to have final say in matters of faith?” 

“But they brought sacrifices to it and bowed to it. The Church would never do such things for the Pope.”

“It is easy to fall into  _ avodah zarah _ , it is tempting and easy to want to worship what you can see and touch. It’s easy to fall prey to the known in the midst of the unknown.  _ Bnei Yisrael _ were in the wilderness with no leader and no way of knowing what was going to happen. And by cutting off the story with the sin, you miss the most powerful part.”

“Hashem forgives them,” Nicolo whispered and Yusuf had never heard him go quiet quite like this. Nicolo, for all his quiet and stoicism, always took up a large part of whatever room he was in. When he did speak, the world paused to listen (or maybe that was just Yusuf). But in this moment, Nicolo’s whisper made him seem so small. 

“Yes, Hashem forgives them and introduces the concept of  _ teshuva _ into the world. I have said this before in our studies that because I’m teaching you from the Torah, it would be complicated.  _ Teshuva _ is commonly translated to repentance, so this is what I have taught you, but what is the root of the word? Look at it as I have taught you.”

“To settle,  _ shuv _ .” Nicolo answered. 

“The word  _ teshuva _ means ‘to return.’ God invited  _ Bnei Yisrael  _ back to Him.” Nicolo was quiet again at that and the rabbi smiled at him. “What is troubling you, my son?” (“A student-teacher relationship is described in the Talmud to be akin to that of fathers and sons, so I will call you both my sons and be proud of it,” the rabbi had said when they started learning)

“What is the process of  _ teshuva _ ?” In another couple hundred years, a brilliant man would come along and lay it all out clearly for people. He would write books laying out the law clearly and write a book of philosophy. But he was not yet born and not from Mainz, but from Spain. But the rabbi from Mainz answered the question, even if he stumbled over the words a little. 

“It's a confession to start with, you must admit you’ve done wrong and regret it.” Nicolo thought back to his early days, throwing away his cross and cursing that he ever went on the blasted Crusade. Tearing himself apart for the peace he tore away from people. “You must resolve to never do it again. Thoughts are not enough in Judaism, life is about action. And you will know you have accomplished your goal when faced with the same situation again. Moses ascended the mountain for another forty days and  _ Bnei Yisrael _ were forced to wait once more, but this time they did not sin.” 

In this Crusade, Nicolo had gone and defended against the Crusaders. Defended innocent lives instead of taking them. Or opting instead, and this somehow seemed worse, to do nothing. He had fought alongside one who had been his enemy and defended the people caught in this fight for no reason (not that there was a reason for the Muslims to have been a part of it either). Yusuf saw Nicolo thinking this and smiled. A tension that had been there since they called a truce, bled out of him. 

“I’ve come to see you as a man of action, Nicolo,” the rabbi said, interrupting Nicolo’s train of thought, “Or at least, this is what Yoseph has said on many occasions when complimented on his own way with words. You came here, as a man who used to preach for the people who have killed us, and you saved me and my daughter and countless others. Hashem cares about your actions, my son, He cares about what you do and how you behave. Deuteronomy teaches us over and over to protect the have-nots, not to pray for them. In Numbers, when Bilham is called to curse us by the king of Moab, he can not entreat Hashem to do so with sacrifices and prayer. Instead, he must make  _ Bnei Yisrael _ sin against Hashem and sends the daughters of Midian out to turn the men of  _ Yisrael  _ to their ways. Rabbi Akiva says that an hour of good deeds in this world is worth more than the world to come.” 

“Rabbi, it is time for prayer,” Itzchak stood in the doorway suddenly with Rivkah behind him, “And afterward there is something I must ask you.”

“I’m coming, thank you for getting me. Also, the answer is yes,” he followed Itzchak out the door who had the biggest smile breaking out across his face. 

“What was the question?” Yusuf asked, knowing Nicolo wasn’t ready to speak yet.

“He’s asking my father if he can marry me.”

“Oh, that is wonderful news, congratulations!” Yusuf said and Nicolo smiled at her. 

“The women in town used to joke when we were little that we were destined to be married, being Itzchak and Rivkah; the patriarch and the matriarch. I swore to myself it would never happen, but alas, he’s smart and kind and has a good job working with his father. And with my brother gone, he will make a good next rabbi for the town.”

“I am happy for you, Rivkah,” Nicolo said.

“I know you two must leave eventually and the town is mostly rebuilt. But please stay for the wedding. I’ve come to see you both as friends and I know Itzchak has too.” Yusuf looked at Nicolo, just as Nicolo turned to Yusuf and they both nodded. 

“We will stay for the wedding and then we’ll depart,” Yusuf said. They had no idea where they would go next. Probably continue their search for the two women in their dreams, who appeared to be on the move. Maybe they were coming here and the four of them would set out together. Either way, it felt good to have a plan. 

***

“That wedding was probably the most fun I’d ever had at that point,” Nicky smiled. “Andy and Quyhn were waiting for us outside the city when we left.”

“We didn’t want to get involved with whatever they were doing there,” Andy said, “They left two days after the wedding and we practically ambushed them on the road. It was funny.”

“By that point, Nicky had fallen in love with Judaism,” Joe cut in, saving that story for another time. 

“So why didn’t you convert then?” Nile asked.

“No one ever offered to convert me and I still struggled with the faith aspect. I loved everything we preached and taught. And I will not lie, the fact no one truly cared about the afterlife was a great comfort with our predicament. But I still wasn’t ready to believe in God again. Hashem was very different from the Trinity, but with everything we had seen…” 

Nile looked toward Andy, but she kept quiet. No snide remarks about being worshipped or anything. She let Nicky tell his story.

“But then the Third Crusade happened,” he continued, “And once again I asked if we could defend the Jews along the way. It was awkward because we were planning on heading east at that time. Feudal Europe was…”

“It sucked,” Andy said. 

“As a parting gift when we left, Itzchak gave me a copy of the Psalms that I still had. The rabbi in one city asked if I was Jewish and I told him no, though I had great love and admiration for it. We got to talking, and though he tried to dissuade me, as one is supposed to do when dealing with a potential convert, eventually we decided I should.” 

“He came back to where we were staying at the time and told me he wanted to do it and I hollered with joy,” Joe said, “Seriously, Nile, he had such a yearning for it, such a love for it. Even though he would not pray the prayers, he almost always read through some of the Psalms three times a day. Mentioned interesting facts he’d learned about the Exodus twice a day, even though I knew all of them.” 

One late night Nile and Joe stayed up to have tea and the conversation drifted to Nicky. Nile had asked about what it was like to love someone for so long and Joe responded  _ I don’t know, but loving him is easy. When he loves something he loves it with his whole body. His passion for whatever it is leaks out of him until he finds somewhere for it to go. This is why he took Booker’s betrayal so hard, it feels like he’s lost a limb.  _ So without anywhere to put it, Nicky must have been spilling all over the place. 

“Quynh and I were off somewhere else at the time and the first question she asked was about circumcision.”

“Nicky still knew shame back then, us being as young as we were, and the color he turned was a sight to see,” Joe teased, “But he didn’t back down from the question.” Nile didn’t ask what the answer was, but the curiosity must have been written on her face.

“The foreskin didn’t grow back, I guess our healing saw it more like a fingernail. That is a terrible analogy, but I can’t explain why. There was blood though, of course, luckily they allow you to cover back up pretty quickly.”

“It does grow back though if you lose your entire dick,” Joe said nonchalantly. Nile gagged.

“What?” she exclaimed, “Did you test this theory out yourselves?”

“We once had a run-in with some truly terrible men, who didn’t like us very much. Nicky’s shirt got torn in the fight and they saw his  _ tzitzit  _ they couldn’t help themselves. A Muslim and a Jew and we were homosexuals. They cut my dick off for ‘not knowing how to use it properly’ before Nicky got free of them and killed them all with his bare hands. It was rather glorious actually. But not an experience I need to relive, nor is circumcision. Twice is more than enough.”

“Nicky made it up to you if I recall,” Andy smirked and Nile was glad she hadn’t been there. Joe just smiled and Nicky returned to his story. 

“So anyway, that is the story of how I converted. I took the name Nachman ben Avraham. This was before the famous Rabbi Nachman they have songs written about.” It was still too painful for him to mention how Booker played that song on repeat to bother him when it first came out and begged him to go to Ukraine with him.  _ To see your grave, of course. _

“What about God? You said you didn’t convert in the Second Crusade because you still struggled with it.”

“Ah yes. I opted to believe in Hashem, I chose to. I like believing in something higher than myself, in a Creator. It also eases the burden of immortality, though I know Andy disagrees with me.”

Andy shrugged, “It is hard to believe in a God you predate mention of.”

“Why are you so respectful of his religion, but you shat all over mine?” Nile asked, kinda annoyed. 

“One, I hate putting up with the two of them getting defensive of each other. Yusuf’s speeches and Nicolo’s glares are not fun when directed at you. Second, I’ve found people use religion to explain away their actions or excuse their hatred, but with these two they use it to fuel the good they do,” Andy shrugged again, “Also I have a particular distaste for Christianity.” 

Nile was about to ask why, when Joe mouthed, “Quynh.”  _ Oh _ , Nile realized. The men who threw Quynh in the Iron Maiden had shielded themselves with crosses and called out to their God, no wonder Andy didn’t like them. 

“Unfortunately, it’s often that way,” Nicky sighed, “Hateful and power-hungry people gravitate towards religion because it is easy to take advantage of people’s faith. But my religion doesn’t preach hatred, it says to love the stranger. Neither does Joe’s. Neither does yours, though Christianity’s history would argue otherwise.”

“Jesus was a pretty decent guy,” Andy said.

“What? You knew him?” Nile asked incredulously, Andy just smirked. 

“She’ll never answer you,” Joe said, “She dangles this in front us. She won’t tell us if she knew Abraham, Issac, or Ishmael. She won’t say if she heard about the Exodus or if she knew Muhhamed.”

“Religion is about faith. I’m not about to taint it with answers.”

“But you just said-”

“I’ve read the New Testament, he’s a decent guy. I didn’t say whether I knew him.” 

“We should figure out what we’re having for lunch,” Nicky said, “This all started because Nile was ordering food.”

“Such a good Jewish mom,” Joe teased. 

“Years of practice.”

**Author's Note:**

> NOTES (in order of appearance):  
> some historians say that the precendent the Crusades set of institutionalized anti-Semitism in Europe, was what ultimately led to the Holocaust
> 
> lashon hakodesh - another name for Hebrew, translates directly to “the holy tongue” (it’s also the name sarah j maas picked in acotar for the language of the book of the breathing)
> 
> Rashi - really big deal. a rabbi who commented on the entire Old Testament and most of the Talmud. we still study his interpretations today from age like zero and up
> 
> shochet - is the slaughter, animals have to be killed a certain way to be kosher (not fish though)  
> sopher - writer. they would write and fix up Torah scrolls as well as write marriage contracts and divorce documents
> 
> baruch Hashem - thank God
> 
> Bnei Yisrael - the name the Jews are referred to in the Torah. directly translates to Children of Israel (Israel being an alternate name for the patriarch Jacob) Jews is a later term that derives from the tribe of Judah
> 
> Unetaneh Tokef is a real poem/prayer that Ashkenazi Jews say on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur). it be intense (Rivkah’s mom cried because my mom cried)
> 
> we are, in fact, very into shepherds. it's a thing, just go with it.
> 
> The German they are speaking is Middle High German. Gaul is another name for what is now France; Germany used to be the Holy Roman Empire (even though it was not Roman or an empire)
> 
> Tzadik - righteous person (though that’s a terrible translation) (but i don’t have a better one) (it’s the same root as the word charity though)
> 
> kippah - aka yarmulke is what Jewish men wear on their heads
> 
> tzitzit - a garment worn (usually) under a shirt. it has to have four corners and has these white and/or blue strings on each corner so that you are reminded of God and the commandments 
> 
> There is a lot of Hebrew poetry from the Middle Ages. some of it is sung on the Sabbath during meals and some of it is used to torture high school students who have to try and understand it 
> 
> when Jews say Heaven or shamim they’re more talking about the ‘throne room of God’ and where the angels are etc. the Jewish afterlife is not really a talked about thing in the Torah and is only kinda discussed in the Talmud
> 
> baruch dayan emet is the traditional thing to say when you hear of someone’s passing. it translates to ‘blessed is the Judge of truth’ obviously referring to God
> 
> kehilla - congregation  
> aleph-bet is the name of the Hebrew alphabet (yes, that’s where the English word comes from). it’s actually just the first two letters aleph and bet
> 
> sometimes, for convenience sake, we say the afternoon and evening prayer back to back separated by a speech or learning of some kind
> 
> parshia - a paragraph in the Torah (it’s actually broken up into paragraphs in the scroll)
> 
> i’m too lazy to explain the whole sin of the Golden Calf. let’s just say the people done fucked up there in exodus (and not for the last time, don’t read numbers they just keep sinning)
> 
> Hashem - colloquial name for God. literally translates to ‘the name’ because you can only say the real name of God in prayer. (hebrew is a gendered language so we refer to God in the masculine, but obviously God is beyond the confines of gender, one of His {70} names is actually in the feminine)  
> avodah zarah: foreign worship/paganism/one of those words you just sorta know the meaning of without being able to translate
> 
> The man from Spain (also Morocco and Egypt) is Rambam/Maimonides, he’s a really big deal and changed Judaism and codified the law and whatever. like i said a big deal and he was in love with aristotle (not relevant just true)
> 
> the story about Bilham is weird, 10/10 would recommend (there’s a talking donkey). the point that the rabbi makes about the story though i learned from the great Rabbi Leibtag
> 
> one of the commandments is to remember the exodus every day twice a day - we be like hyper-obsessed with the exodus 
> 
> I picked the name Nachman just because it was the closest name I could come up with. “Ben Avraham” (son of Abraham) is after the first patriarch. converts are often called “son of Abraham” or “daughter of Sarah” instead of the name of their actual parents. i’m “daughter of Tzvia and Yerucham”
> 
> the rabbi i reference is the great Rabbi Nachman, incredibly important to the chassidic world of Judaism but there’s this really catchy song about him and on Rosh Hashanah it is a tradition for some people to pray at his grave in Uman, Ukraine
> 
> i will not apologize for the circumcision part of the conversation
> 
> feel free to ask me any questions in the comments, if you can’t tell i really like my religion (but again, please don’t take this as me trying to convert you. i’m really really not nor do i think this would convince you)


End file.
